Well, I have been putting off this post for awhile now because I have been hoping to have some good news to share. But unfortunately the news is still the same. No baby. But a lot of things have happened since I last blogged about our infertility journey. So I figured it would be nice to update you all since I brought you into our journey in the first place. Once again, this isn't a pity post it is simply an update. This post is going to be filled with all the emotions James and I have been going through these last few months. (In August was the last baby update and it was all about us beginning our adoption journey.. there will be an update on that here also.. if you want to see that post go here. The very first post was back in February and you can see that post here.)
Since I last posted in August I found out that my brother and sister in law are expecting a baby girl! She will be here soon (maybe even today!) When I first got the news I was overwhelmed with emotions. First off, I was so, so excited for my brother and his wife! I was also very excited to be getting another niece or nephew (at the time I didn't know!) But while feeling very happy and excited I also felt very broken. I felt guilty for feeling the way I felt because how could I feel the way I was feeling I was being rude for feeling sorrow for myself in their moment of joy. As soon as I got the news I will admit I started bawling. It felt like a huge win for them but a big loss for James and I. That is the best way I can explain it. But not once did I not ever feel happy or excited for them. I just so wanted to be in their place and to have that news to share with everyone. Like I said I felt like a horrible person and so very selfish for having the hurt feelings that I did. But after talking with James grandmother I learned that my feelings were okay. It was completely okay for me to cry and for me to feel the way I felt. And the way I felt I wasn't going to get over in a day and that, that was perfectly okay. I was okay after awhile and was able to have the full joy that I could for them (hopefully that makes sense..) and I even helped my mother and sister throw my sister in law a baby shower. Now you have to understand that yes, the day of the baby shower I did have a break down. It was very hard to be around all the happiness of welcoming a baby and seeing all the baby stuff. But it also didn't help that I was surrounded for a week with all about baby stuff and baby stores. I was put in places where I didn't necessarily want to be but I "sucked it up" and tried my hardest to work through my emotions.And again, I felt very guilty for the way I felt then. As I write this today, I still feel guilty for the way I felt then. But please remember I was never not happy for my brother and his wife. This is a situation/s that are so hard to explain unless you have been in them you probably can't/won't completely understand.
Back in September James and I attended my "yearly check-up" with my wonderful doctor. He asked us how we were doing, how the medicine he put me on was doing as well. We also talked about some other things and he has put me on a medicine for my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) After a long talk and being in his office as to what seemed as forever.. and explaining our situation he said that there was no more he could do and it was time for us to go to a reproductive doctor. He referred us to a great guy and place (they are in Utah) and they got to us quickly. They actually had an appointment for us that following Wednesday but due to some communication we weren't able to attended our appointment that day so we had to re-schedule and they didn't know when their next opening would be. Talk about FRUSTRATING! *back story!* The company we are going through is based out of Utah (Reproductive Care Center) but they have so many people from Idaho that go down there that they are trying to get an office set up about an hour away from where James and I live so that is where our first appointment was going to be and since it is only a few doctors they don't come up that often so we had to wait until the next time the doctor was in our area.
Well, in October, Halloween day to be exact! We had our appointment with the RCC (Reproductive Care Center) and it was a very wonderful and fulling appointment. It gave James and I a lot of outlook and hope. The doctor basically told us that we had an ovulation and sperm problem. Which means that James and I (mostly me..) have a lot of testing to do. James test is fairly easy. If you get what I am hinting at.. ha ha. The doctor said James need to have a semen analysis, get some blood work done and he also needed to take some medicine to help keep his sperm count up and his little fishes swimming and good. (Sorry if that is way too much info! ha ha!) So James is able to get his testing done at any time. For myself it was a little more complicated. I also had to take some medicine to help protect my eggs, needed to get some blood work done and along with two other tests. The first test I have to get done while on my period, and it is an ultrasound. Easy right? Well, this ultrasound is one that they will put inside me so they can get super close to see if I have any eggs, if I do how many and how old they are. I hope you all caught on.. I HAVE TO BE ON MY PERIOD. (Remember.. I don't have regular periods.. soo...) Once my period has stopped I have to go back in for more testing and this time they will shoot a dye up me to see if I have any blockage (cysts, build up etc.) After I do the last testing they told me I would be down for the rest of the day so not to plan on driving ha!
*After having this appointment James and I decided that we would put off going forward with adoption for a little bit. (It didn't feel right completely after we started moving forward with it.)*
Well here we are to December. November went by and I never had my period.. BLAH! And the first couple weeks went by in December and no period.. BUT I did get Kidney Stones! Well, I did end up getting my period.. but at the WRONG time of course. If you're a women you know periods typically last about a week. Well, I got mine on Friday night (can't go do testing because they are closed and I wasn't 100% sure if it was my period.) Well we go down to Utah to hear Natalie speak for her farewell. So we are down there until Sunday which is fine, I can go do my testing on Monday! Ha. Jokes on me.. my period stopped. So I called my doctor and well, he gave me the worst news ever. He basically told me I had bad luck and that the timing was wrong. I had missed my opportunity to get my testing done. So now I am going to be put on medicine to start my period in January (of course when my deducible isn't met..) so I can control it a little more and get my testing done. So that is where James and I are at, at this moment in time. Just waiting on my body to allow me to get my testing done. So here is to hoping 2017 is a lot better year than 2016 was for James and I! Ha ha! Although 2016 was filled with a lot of great things and don't get me wrong it was a great year. But you know what I mean.
Thanks everyone for going on this tough journey with us and for the outpouring love and support we have got from all of you. It means so much to us!