Lately I have been MIA. And I have a reason behind it, although it is not a very good reasoning at all. I have been in this so called "funk" lately.. Also known as depression. I have found it hard lately to motivate myself to do much. I cant seem to get out of bed, shower, or even have the will to go and do activities (even grocery shopping) BUT, I have been making myself do those things even though it isn't easy. And I guess in a way I have also been on edge lately. Everything either is fine, annoying, makes me grumpy or makes me sad and cry. I don't entirely have a reason to be depressed, but in a way I do have a reason. My reasoning is a secret that I don't express. (I'm not even sure my husband fully knows how I am feeling.. don't get me wrong, he's here for me and he understands but I don't think he fully does.) I'm not sure I'm even ready now to express my feelings for they are heartbreaking to me. But I know that I need to do something whether it is writing this blog post or finally expressing my feelings I don't know. All I do know is I'm not feeling happy. (Yes I smile, laugh and "enjoy" things.. but it's not the same.) I just want out of this funk. I don't like this feeling. It's not me. I just want me back, where ever that may be. I guess by me writing this I'm using it as my journal in hopes that it will help me feel better and know what to do. I miss the feeling of being happy and feeling loved. (I know I'm loved, trust me. But I am just having a hard time feeling it, unfortunately.) Lately I can't fall asleep because I lie awake just wondering, nothing in particular just whatever pops into my mind. I feel sick, I don't feel like eating much (but sometimes all I want to do is pig out.) And part of me feels guilty for feeling this way, and for letting me affect me so poorly. Another part of me feels very guilty for letting it reflect in my life, my home and my appearance. And a big part of me just feels sad for letting it affect the way I feel about myself in general. I have those thoughts daily that I am not good enough or pretty enough. Yes I'm 23 and still get these thoughts. *sigh* Even when I get dressed, make up on and the whole deal, I just don't feel pretty enough. I guess the question is what don't I feel pretty enough for? Well for me. I get complements and they go in one ear and out the other. I wish I could believe them. But I can't, at least not right now. And that is what hurts. Is I've lost myself in this sadness and I don't feel like I can get out. I feel alone, even when I'm not. I'm surrounded by people who love me but I just don't feel it it and I feel completely alone. And no I'm not depressed because I live in the middle of no where or because I don't have friends here or because I don't have a "job" (which I do have a job, but apparently nobody sees it as one.) I'm depressed for a completely different reason. And this reason has made me sad for awhile. But it is getting worse, and sadly it is out of my control and in God's hands. And maybe that is what I need to realize, that it is not my fault and that it is out of my control. But that doesn't make it hurt any less, just so you know. And I know, trust me I know that someone else has it "worse" than me. But I once heard this saying and at times like these it helps me a lot. "Yes, someone somewhere does have it worse than you. But in all reality they don't have it worse than you. What's painful and worse for someone might be easy for someone else. We are all different and experience different and worse things." I guess I really shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way I do, but it's hard not to. Especially when I have the feeling like I'm being judged by people around me. Which most likely isn't true because who really has the time to judge us as much as we might think or feel we are being judged? I don't know, this is just how I feel lately and I feel like I shouldn't have these feelings so it makes me feel worse. I'm out of control. Well, I guess I don't have much more to say at this point in time. And I'm really not willing to talk much more about these feelings or why I'm feeling this way. At least not yet. Maybe later. And I'm sorry for this long and blah post about my feelings of depression. But then again no I'm not sorry, I'm not sorry for the way I feel. But I am thankful to you for reading, listening and being there for me through this tough time that I am going through. Thank you.
