When going through a struggle or as some say a trial you experience a lot of emotions. I personally have experienced difficult trials in my life. I don't share these with others because I choose to hide my feelings and the things I've been going through. But .. eventually .. you get to a breaking point. Where you can't do it anymore and you find yourself fighting through the tears. After going through several serious trials in my life, I have finally reached the point where it is too hard for me to handle any longer. I'm going through waves of emotions and trying daily to work them out. One of the ways that helps me best is talking things out. Which is extremely hard for me to do. Again, I like to bottle things up and deal with it by myself. I don't like to bring people into my problems because I don't want to ruin their day or have them worry about me. But this is just my personality type. Going through all this infertility stuff has made me reach my breaking point. It is getting harder everyday to handle this by myself. So today, I felt that if I talked about my emotions I have felt through my infertility journey, maybe it could help me, or even others who are on this journey also. I want them to know that they are not alone, that it is okay to feel the way they are feeling. I have made a list of the emotions I am feeling the strongest to help. So bare with me as this is going to be a longer post. You might want to grab a snack or drink. ha ha. If you don't care to read on that is totally fine! This isn't for everyone and I don't expect anyone to read this. Just a heads up, these are not in any specific order. As always, if you have any questions, concerns or thoughts please feel free to leave a comment below!
Guilt.
This is something hard for me to face. I feel guilty on a daily bases. Whether it is something from the past or something in the present. I feel guilty as charged, for my feelings, actions, and thoughts. So much guilt builds up inside me; That it causes more emotions to add onto the feeling of being guilty. I feel that it is all my fault that James and I are going through this infertility journey. Guilty for feeling so down in the dumps. I feel the guilt every time I find myself comparing my life to someone else's, because I know better than that. But my questions are, how do you not feel guilty, how do you work through this, how do you get to the point where you know it is okay to feel this way? That yes, they are going through something difficult but SO ARE YOU! It breaks my heart every time I think about how much guilt I carry around. This is something I am trying my best to deal with, learn from, and work through. It is very difficult though. To be completely honest, I even feel so guilty (a) for admitting this and (b) for writing this blog post. This is just one of the many emotions I am dealing with, but it plays such a big part in my life, and with all the other emotions. You will probably see the guilt throughout this entire post. And I am sorry about that even though I shouldn't be. The guilt is so real and very painful. I'm not sure how I am supposed to live my life feeling guilty all the time. It doesn't feel normal. Some days I don't even know why I have the pit of guilt in my stomach. Am I the only one who feels like this? Am I a weirdo for being this way? Because it sure feels like it. Having all this guilt built up inside me is not a fun way to live. A daily struggle, but it is something I will continue to fight through and work on.
Loneliness.
I have never felt so lonely before. Yes, I know I am not alone. I am surrounded by millions of people who love and care about me, BUT that does not change anything. I feel so isolated, like I am the only person alive in this world. It is so confusing how you could have so much love and support, but feel completely alone and detached from the world. I feel like a robot going through each day. Almost as if living is a chore. I am so alone, I don't feel like I can express my feelings, like no one is there. Loneliness is the worst part about this journey. Feeling alone but understanding that you're not, really eats me up inside. Again, this plays into my guilt because why do I feel so lonely when I am not? Along with the loneliness, people have told me to pray and ask for help. To be honest even with my Heavenly Father I know he is there, that he loves me without a doubt; but I feel alone, like he isn't listening to me or like he isn't there. Because why should he worry or care about my silly feelings? I don't feel like when I pray to him that he answers my prayers; because they are not being answered the way I want them to. But I also don't feel the love and comfort from him like I know many others do. That makes me feel even more alone. I feel pathetic for feeling this way, and not having the faith in him. Often, I have even caught myself saying he just doesn't care about me, or that my situation isn't important enough. I feel alone in this infertility journey, and in this world full of people. I just don't know what to do to help me feel not alone anymore.
Anger.
Wow, I never realized until recently how angry I am just in general. I am angry at myself, life, my Heavenly Father, James, people's innocent comments. I don't know why all the sudden I have become so angry with life! I'm angry at the situation James and I are in, I'm angry that I have all these feelings and I'm angry that I am so depressed. Often, I ask why is this happening to me, haven't I been through enough already? I don't feel like I am strong enough to face these trials anymore and that makes me ANGRY. It just makes me angrier and angrier because I don't know why I am so angry and mad at the world. The saddest part is when people try and help it makes me angry because I feel like they don't understand so they shouldn't be trying to give me advice, or trying to help at all! They should just keep their comments to themselves. I'm just an angry person these days. I'm even angry for being angry. I often find myself snapping at James or my animals for things that shouldn't make me upset. I easily get annoyed with people, situations and just life and it sets me off and makes me mad and resentful. Anger isn't something I am used to living with. I tend to forgive quickly and move on. But this trial has made it impossible (it feels like it at least) to forgive people for their innocent comments, or my own husband for silly things he doesn't even know he is doing. I am so angry at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me and for letting them control my every day. The anger is real, and I need to find a way to release it without hurting people with my attitude towards life. The worst part of my anger is the fact that I am angry at my Heavenly Father. Why can't I seem to find the faith in him, in this trial he has put before me? Why can't I forgive him, and be okay with this difficult trial. It hurts my heart. The other thing that hurts my heart is being unable to forgive myself and allow me to heal from all this hurt. It angers me that I have become so selfish and tied up in the all about me, and what ifs. Being angry isn't me, and it definitely isn't the person I want to become; I don't like angry people, so why would I want to become one of them?
Depression.
I'm familiar with depression, I see it every day. I've struggled with depression for a while. I've been fighting depression for a long time, and recently I figured out I just can't fight it off anymore. I thought I was strong enough, could to it myself. I've done so in the past, it's usually just off and on, so why would this time be any different? About a month ago, it was pointed out to me by a few people that I wasn't acting like myself. It made me really take a look at myself and realize that I truly wasn't me any longer. And ever since that moment it seems I have lost the spark in me to even want to fight this depression anymore. Okay, that might not be completely true, I hate feeling this way, so I haven't lost all hope. But it is a fight every day to not be depressed and it is a fight against the world, but worst of all it is a daily fight with myself. The depression has gotten so bad that I think of it as a win when I can get out of bed, eat, and sit on the couch. Thankfully I have my pets who require me to take care of them, so every day I know that I have to get out of bed, and I have to fight this depression. But honestly, it has gotten worse, I won't lie about that. I'm finding it harder and harder every day to put on that "happy face" and go about my day. Every day at one point or another I find myself crying and I have no idea why. The worst part about this depression is that I don't know why I am feeling this way. It is more than this infertility stuff but, I can't figure out what else is triggering this terrible depression. I feel horrible that poor James has to put up with me and go through this with me; And I know it hurts him because he doesn't know how to help me. Unfortunately, I don't even know how to help myself. Next month I turn twenty five and this is the first time that I have ever had a hard time turning a certain age. For me, I feel as if I haven't done anything with my life, or accomplished anything. It depresses me and I am dreading my birthday. To be completely honest, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But again, I am trying to fight all these feelings that come along with depression.
Happiness.
It is so hard to find happiness when you have millions of feelings, fighting through depression, and feel completely lost in the world. Like I mentioned above it is a struggle and a fight within myself. So far, I haven't been able to completely figure this one out. But I am able to notice moments that make me feel happy. I know that there is still hope for me at having happiness again. Being around my family and hearing from them daily has been a huge help to make me happier. Having a wonderful husband who loves and supports me, lets me cry on his shoulder without questioning things. Has helped me in my healing process and the process in becoming my happy self. Having a wonderful best friend who is there for me always, and seems to know what to say. Having my animals and being surrounded by them daily brings me much happiness. By remembering all of this helps me to know that there is happiness out there. I just need to find it, remember it, and fight through this. I need to also remember that when I do have those happy moments, that there is nothing wrong with being happy. That I have every right to be happy and enjoy the moments of happiness. Which is much easier said than done. But I am a fighter and I will fight for my happiness. I deserve it just as much as everyone else. So here is to fighting every day to be happy and to smile more often.
Pressure.
You are probably thinking pressure? Yes! Every day I feel some sort of pressure not necessarily from people,but in some cases yes people too. Some examples of pressure I might feel are caused by me telling myself that I need to grow up, this is part of life, or that I am not good enough. That nobody cares that I need to just handle this. It is pressure from me that I need to be better than myself and current situation and that I am "just acting like a baby." I'm feeling pressured by myself every day to fight through this depression. Other examples of some pressure I might feel come from others, telling me to not cry or to be happy. Because it is easy. Some have told me that I am the reason I feel this way, that I am doing it to myself. This is so hard to explain the pressure I feel almost every day. I am just feeling pressured to do things that I don't necessarily want to do. And almost like I am being taken advantage of. Which brings me back to feeling guilty for feeling "pressured and taken advantage of." But again, this is a hard emotion to explain, but it is still there.
All of these emotions are overwhelming, but it has been very refreshing to list them one by one. This blog post has helped me feel a little better inside .. helping me figure out how I truly am feeling. I know that I have many more emotions that I am personally feeling but I don't have the energy right now to continue on with this post, so I have decided to make this post into two parts so I can get the best results for myself. It also gives you all a little break to go to the bathroom or take a nap. ha ha. Before I completely end this post I want to take a moment to thank you all for your continued patience, love and support. It means the world to James and I; we are eternally grateful for you.
If you missed previous posts about our infertility journey please click
HERE &
HERE
Instead went with this one. Although I do like this one .. we do look pretty cute! I picked this one because I wanted James to have a (small) say in our wedding planning .. ha ha! Just kidding he had a lot of say if he wanted to. But I knew he would love it if our engagement was us wearing BYU t-shirts. So there you have it ... we went with the COUGS! Sometimes I regret this decision but oh well, it made him happy and that was important!
BUT ... this wedding picture trumps them all! I love how bright and pretty it is. And the fact that I look skinny and so young. *tear* where did my youth go! ha ha. The silly part is ... I don't have this picture hung up ANYWHERE in my home .. WHAT THE HECK! Guess I might need to change that one. But beside the point, this is my favorite picture. Well, all of them of us are going to be my favorite ...
James and I did a smaller honeymoon because a few months later we were going to Disneyland for a family reunion! So we figured save our money so we could go there. But we had A LOT of fun in St. George! We went bowling, to the temple, on a few tours and even ate at a lot of really yummy places. The best part ... was being together and FINALLY being married and not having to say goodnight / goodbye to each other at the end of the day! Ha! 
Going to Disneyland was the best decision we made! It was a BLAST! We would like to go back again .. maybe our five year? *hint hint ...*
After a year of marriage James and I made the biggest decision of our married life. We left Utah and moved to Idaho to house sit for his grandparents while they were on their mission. Not only did we get to house sit but we got to take car of Mr. Max! Who I adopted as my own and loved him like he was my child. We had Max for about a year before he suddenly passed away. It broke my heart terribly! But thankfully I had James there to comfort me and James and me to comfort him. We still miss Max to this day but we were blessed to have him for a little while. Thanks for sharing Grandma and Grandpa!
Up here in Idaho we have taken a lot of family pictures. (every 6 months or so ..) Thankfully James is a good sport! I just want to capture moments and make sure we have enough to watch ourselves grow. Belly wise, age you know all that good stuff! This was the first family picture we took after we got our Miss Maggie girl!
And speaking of family pictures ... this one is my ALL time FAVORITE! I think we look so, so cute! I love this picture. And I can honestly say it is my favorite picture of the two of us! I love it!
It's been fun these last four years! From getting married, going on a lot of family vacations, moving to another state, getting a dog and not just one but two cats (you know you love them James!) buying our first home together and our first car together! I can't wait to see what another year of marriage will bring us. Maybe another dog? ha!
